Motivation Gone

Today I woke up at around two in the morning, I am a third shift worker so even though I was trying to sleep normally on my day off, my body quite often has other ideas. I woke up ready to workout, motivation was pumping through my veins and I was ready to rock it.

However I don’t live alone, and I’m pretty sure my husband or one of my three children would have grumpily asked what in the world I was doing bouncing around like a chubby rabbit at two in the morning

Plus on top of it I was TIRED! So very tired. So is the life of a night working mother. That sounds rather more risqué then I intended. Let me set the record strait that I am in no way a street walking night shift working mother. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Well um except that it’s illegal where I live.

Aaaaaaannnny way I woke up ready to go, but somehow it didn’t seem like a good idea to head out and workout in my living room so I managed to fall back to sleep, thinking of my workout the next day and the benefits I would reap from it. Imagining the future as a strong woman who could do a pull up and fifty pushups on demand. You know since that is a daily request in all our lives.

To my dismay however, when I woke up all that amazing motivation had disappeared. I dragged myself out of my bed, mostly because my toddler can’t feed her self, herded the two older boys out the door to school, and then promptly sat my sad butt on the couch and flipped on the TV.

I sat there for two hours, watching things like Muppet babies and Octonots, after making what actually managed to be a healthy breakfast. I was watching shows I didn’t even enjoy, sinking deeper into my couch because I felt more like a lump on the back of a toad then that bouncy jack rabbit I felt like the night before.

I was dreading my workout. It’s a Beach Body one and if you have ever done most Beach body workouts, you know they are killer and it was upper body day.

Oh my lord I hate upper body day. Upper body means that well, I have to use my arms, and I have never had much strength in my arms or much reason to use them. Unless you count carrying children, but I only manage to carry on one side most of the time.

So I guess you could say I am lopsided when it comes to arm strength, one arm was bench press worthy while the other is a limp noodle of despair. Both however feel upper body day. Both will ache and will remind me that I worked them out just by turning the wheel of the car when I turn the corner.

I have a love hate relationship with that feeling. One one hand, it feels awesome, it makes me feel stronger and lets me know I worked out really well. On the other, well ouch. It’s a constant reminder of ouch. However as time is going on that feeling is becoming less ouch and more strong, so that’s something.

Finally after sitting on the couch for two hours and cleaning up the mess my two year old made while I lazed away my morning I finally was able to talk my self into my workout.

Boy I’m glad I made myself start. It’s crazy how much a workout can brighten your day. It’s amazing how good it makes you feel after. That accomplished happy endorphin rush of goodness is the entire reason I have any desire to workout.

Yes I want to lose weight, but knowing I can finish a hard, breathtaking workout with that amazing feeling is definitely hits my instant gratification button!

My workouts I’ve realized are my stress relief. They have become that hour in the morning for just me, you know expect that there is a needy toddler running around in my hour, but overall I can mostly get through a workout without stopping and that feels amazing.

It makes me feel like I can do anything. Changes my whole perspective of the day and the perspective I can have of myself when I am sitting there lazing about on the couch or when I’ve lost all motivation. It set the tone for the whole day!

I need to remember that. Remember that it feels so good after, remember that starting may be the hardest on unmotivated days, but it’s all worth it in the end. If not for the long term benefits but for that instant gratification and who doesn’t love instant gratification!

Here is hoping that tomorrow I wake up with that jack rabbit motivation at the correct time and that I remember that I am worth it enough to take care of myself, that I can do this! Nothing can stop me! I can do this!

Tomorrow is called sweat day, or as I like to call it swear day. No I’m just kidding, I actually do enjoy the full body workout, but if you’re the praying sort, pray for me, if not just send some good vibes my way, because I’ll need it!

Until next time!

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The Journey

I’ve decided like so many, to start documenting my weight loss journey. I am a writer at heart and it seemed like a good idea to start journaling in a sense for the hopefully healthy side effects that I can reap from it. Hopefully.

I’m going into this journey with a positive attitude. I have been trying to delve deep so that I can figure out how I got the place I am at now. So far I’m not quite ready to share the intimate details, however I think a lot of it has to do with a poor childhood, an abusive ex, and this deep personal belief that I am not good enough.

I am though. It’s taken me years to come to that conclusion. I managed to go through quite a lot of my life thinking differently. It’s almost a relief now that I’ve realized I am enough, that I am awesome, and I am good enough and able to do anything I set my mind to.

Perhaps that’s why I write here. It’s a platform to keep reminding myself of this. A platform I hope will also help others realize the same thing. So please enjoy my crazy and enjoy my journey as it happens!